Tag: anxiety

The Black Dog Sitting In The Corner

Posted on by Chad Dobbs

When living with a predisposition towards anxiety and depression it’s sometimes a struggle to keep the right balance.  There are many ways to keep balanced and focused and on most days it’s quite simple to control the symptoms by either dealing with the issue before it becomes a real problem or by removing yourself from the situation entirely.

Although I am not ashamed of my past episodes, I do pride myself on being able to maintain my composure in view of others.  I’ve become quite adept at it over the past few years by either being quiet and maintaining a calm facade or by injecting humour into stressful and upsetting situations.  Over the years I have developed an effective system where I disengage from the stressor for a few seconds, regain my composure and re-enter the situation with a different viewpoint and plan of attack.  This system worked extremely well for me when I was in the Army.  I would often break eye contact with the person involved, take a deep breath and then reengage with a different angle and either put the person on the back foot or remove myself from the situation entirely before I lost control and acted out inappropriately.  When mitigating a mild anxiety episode it is quite possible that others will not realise what is happening. Family and close friends can pick the signs and will often start to deflect conversation or actions away from you; my girly often does this when she sees that I’m becoming uncomfortable.

I have a number of physiological changes that occur that a person observing me will be able to identify when I’m becoming anxious.  Two of my more obvious ‘tells’ are: the lowering of my voice and more deliberate pronunciation of words; and the emergence of a light skin rash that will originate on my upper chest and migrate up my neck.  But anxiousness is only part of the equation.  The other is depression.

I have been accused of being pessimistic for most of my life; but in reality I’ve always known I’ve been depressive since childhood.  Often I would withdraw from others and act out aggressively towards my family.  Basically I acted like a shy young boy, and then a typical teenager; but shouldn’t these actions and reactions have ceased in adulthood?  For me they didn’t, they became more acute, and combined with some incredibly stressful situations in my mid to late twenties I found myself staring right at the proverbial black dog sitting in the corner.

To go through life pretending everything is okay is both difficult and incredibly easy.  It’s not quite living a lie; it’s more playing the part others want to see.  I was so good at it I even convinced myself I was okay sometimes.  But in reality I wasn’t; and with a lot of support from friends and family I asked for and got the help I needed and life became easier.  Admitting there is a problem is not the cure all; there is a constant battle in your head and heart to keep positive and do the right things to keep the scale tipping upwards and not down.

Sometimes the balance tips the other way and the black dog reappears.  I have tendency to become aggressive and short with most people during these episodes and will push away those that are closest to me.  What was judged as being the actions of a moody young man was actually the depressive episode of a person too afraid to call out for help.  While I was lucky enough to have the support of my friends and family and afforded the opportunity to seek counselling; many others don’t.

This is not a post that really goes anywhere, it’s not a guide for anyone with anxiety or depression, it’s just my thoughts on a subject I know quite intimately.  No one is ever cured of anxiety and depression; they just learn to live with it and not let it dictate the future.

Taking Off The Uniform

Posted on by Chad Dobbs

When I left the Army in January 2012, it wasn’t just a change of job. My whole world changed. I was a civilian for the first time in a long time.

The Army isn’t just a job; it is a culture, it is a lifestyle, it is your life.
Say goodbye to the normal aspects of life and say hello to restrictions and new rules that you abide by. Put simply, you get told what to do, when to do it, how to do it and not to ask questions.

Don’t get me wrong, if I had my time over again I would still sign that piece of paper and put on that uniform that still hangs in my wardrobe.
On a daily basis I miss my mates, I miss putting on my uniform and lacing up my boots. I miss being a Soldier. And with tomorrow being Anzac Day I miss putting on my medals, drinking and sharing a warrie or two with my mates.

But I don’t miss the bureaucracy that plagues the ADF. I’m not going to rant for pages about what I think the many issues are and how to fix them; I’ll leave it at one for this post. The ADF does not care about the individual.
It’s quite simple, and I think you would be hard pressed to find any serviceman or servicewoman that disagrees. At some-point somewhere in their career they have been pushed aside, given a very raw deal and told its for service reasons.

I left the Army when I knew I was only a number on a spreadsheet. Qualifications and experience meant nothing when my number was matched to a role I had zero interest in and had explicitly expressed never wanting for a number of years. My fate was sealed before I even got my posting order.

I owe a great debt to the ADF and in particular the Royal Australian Navy for recognizing my anxiety and depression when others dismissed and ridiculed. I spent a very long time learning that what I was experiencing was in fact a somewhat common reaction to my circumstances and not to be swept under the rug.

I had a lot of my issues under control for a decent amount of time with a few acute episodes flaring up in late 2011 when I was fighting my posting order. Only when I accepted that the best option for personal, career and mental health progression was to take off the uniform did my anxiety and bouts of depression subside.

I would never want to forget my years in the Army and the times I served my Nation overseas. But I am happy with my decision to take off the uniform and start a new chapter in my life.